If there’s one thing I’m passionate about–and one thing that too often makes me feel insecure–it’s motherhood. Before my first daughter’s second birthday, I became painfully aware of something: Every time I turned around, it seemed somebody was telling me, “Oh honey, every baby does thaaaaat” or “Every mama thinks thaaaat” about something. If many facets of motherhood are almost universal, WHY is nobody teaching these lessons to new mamas and to mamas in new phases?? I created a packet of tips I’d received and lessons I’ve learned. This packet is now 19 pages long and has encouraged several of my friends over the years.!
We often come to a point in mothering where we’ve put ourselves on auto-pilot. There is an unspoken belief that the “every baby does thaaat” revelations are but distant memories. Then, another new phase of parenting topples that assumption. Such is the case in this season of my mothering. Our first chick left the nest last spring to get an apartment of her own, so when it came time for daughter #2 to get ready for college this fall, I assumed it would be a “second verse same as the first” scenario. Boy, was I wrong!
To my surprise, I’ve discovered yet another phase of life where mamas need help, hope, and encouragement. I have so many friends right now who are in this “launch” and “pre-launch” phase of mothering, and I want to walk alongside you. I pray that here, in my words, you will receive a hug, a prayer, and courage for your weary heart.
Here are some things I am learning, both through personal experience and through the wise advice of others.
This is BIG! It’s bigger than I imagined! I’m sad. I’m proud. I’m excited. Sometimes, I’m scared…and in the very next minute, I’m something else. And that is ok. Repeat after me: “This is normal. I’ll be ok, and she’ll be ok!” Try this experiment: Ask your parent, or somebody whose child left for college decades ago, about that experience. The response is shocking! As my husband and I have conversed with our parents about our own college launches, we’ve been surprised by the tears–ours and theirs. The emotions of this season, YEARS after that transition, still run hot and deep! Take courage in this. Take a deep breath, and take the next step forward. We can do this.
Let yourself feel! Don’t be afraid to feel and embrace these feelings. Just be careful not to let yourself get stuck in the heavy ones. It’s ok to be proud and apprehensive. It’s ok to be happy for your child and sad for yourself that they’re leaving. It’s ok to want them to soar and need them to stay. It’s ok to anticipate this next chapter and grieve the end of their childhood. It’s all a giant paradox, and that’s ok!
DO NOT beat yourself up! Amidst every other emotion you are feeling, guilt will try to dig its slimy fingers into your heart. JUST SAY NO! Do not allow yourself to rehearse things you wish you would’ve done differently in your mothering, beating up your already weary heart. It’s a waste of energy, and it changes nothing. You did your best, and that’s all your child could ever expect.
No two launches are created equal! If you have already launched a child out into the world, rest assured the next one will be different. If you were launched, rest assured launching your child will be different. If you’ve known parents who launched children, rest assured it will be different for you, and that’s ok! Just as no two children are exactly alike, no two launches are alike, either.
Focus on the firsts instead of the lasts! If you are parenting a senior, please listen up on this one. Our tendency as moms is to want to document all of the “lasts” our child does. It’s their last first day. It’s their last homecoming, their last prom, their last last day as a high school student, “the last time they pull out of my driveway as a high school student.” Oh friend, this seems normal. Many of us have done it, but it’s torturous for us mamas! It zaps our energy and causes our tears. Believe me, the tears are gonna come. Don’t cause them on purpose. What if, instead, we celebrate all the firsts as they come? The first time they walk in the house as a graduate, the first time they wake up as a graduate, the first time we buy something for their dorm room. If our focus is doom and gloom, theirs will be, too. We need to help them anticipate new things and to think they’re exciting and good (instead of just big and scary) when they happen!
Don’t go in their room! This was my mom’s biggest piece of advice when our first daughter moved out, and it did make a difference. Like the above tip, our tendency is often to find things to cry about. The emptiness of our home surprised me when our first daughter moved out. I was tempted to go straighten her remaining belongings in her room and sit on the floor and cry, but I resisted. Not going in there for a while helped the gaping hole in my heart not be quite as raw. In time, I was able to go in and clean, but the mess was still there when I was up to it instead of ripping open the wound.
Take care of the mama! Just days before my daughter left, my counselor asked me a surprising question and gave me a strong warning. “So, what are you planning to do to take care of yourself before Friday and after Saturday? You may feel like you got hit by a bus next week, and you will need a plan to take care of yourself.” Give yourself lots of grace. Whether it’s a bubble bath, a walk, a good cry, or a dish of ice cream, make time for yourself. It isn’t selfishness or an unnecessary luxury. It’s self-care, and you owe it to yourself.
PRAY BIG! Just because our kids leave home doesn’t mean they don’t need our prayers anymore. In fact, they need their mama’s prayers more than ever, and because they are no longer dependent on our physical protection and provision, prayer is the BIGGEST thing we can do for them! One thing I’m being challenged with this week is to pray bigger for our daughter. I’ve always prayed for her health, her protection, her allergies, healing, comfort, etc. but this week I’m realizing there are bigger fish to fry. As a Christian mama, I need to be more concerned with her heart and her future than her physical comfort. Now, I’m learning to pray for God to open her eyes to those around her, her ears to hear His voice, her heart to the plans and purposes He has for her, and her willingness to do whatever He asks. THESE are the things that truly matter. As a mom, I want my child to be happy and healthy, but more than that, I want her to be on the path God has chosen for her!
I recently read a meme that really troubled me. It basically said that being a mother means you will worry every day for the rest of your life. If that is where we find ourselves as mamas, we aren’t truly trusting that God loves them more than we do and that He will take better care of them than we ever could!
I once had a friend challenge me: “Why can’t you trust God with your children?” It seems that motherhood is a series of baby steps of letting go of them and letting God handle their lives as only He can. This is one of the biggest baby steps of that journey, but I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13).
As comforting as moms can be for each other, there is no substitute for God’s Word, so I want to give you some nuggets to cherish.
John 14:1 Do not let your hearts be troubled (Do not allow it! Guard your heart against it, at all costs!). Trust in God, and trust also in me (parentheses added).
Philippians 4:6 Don’t worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.
Matthew 6:34 So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.
Pray these verses over your children. I have found using these verses as prayers over my daughter to be so comforting.
Psalm 91:1-5 Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge; my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him. For he will rescue you from every trap and protect you from deadly disease. He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection. Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night, nor the arrow that flies in the day.
Psalm 20:1-5 In times of trouble, may the Lord answer your cry. May the name of the God of Jacob keep you safe from all harm. May he send you help from his sanctuary and strengthen you from Jerusalem. May he remember all your gifts and look favorably on your burnt offerings. May he grant your heart’s desires and make all your plans succeed. May we shout for joy when we hear of your victory and raise a victory banner in the name of our God. May the Lord answer all your prayers.
Lord, you created our children with your very hands and have determined specific plans for their lives. We lift them up to you. We pray your protection over their thoughts, bodies, attitudes, emotions, and actions. May they seek your face, hear your voice, and obey your commands all the days of their lives. Help us, as their parents, to admit that YOU are in control of their lives, and give us the faith to trust you with them even when they are not with us. In Jesus’ name, amen.