I am a music therapist by trade, so just as my relationship with Christ colors everything I do, music usually sneaks in close behind. My mom says, “There’s a song for every occasion.” The song I’m hearing with this post is Doe, a Deer from The Sound of Music. The first line is “Let’s start at the very beginning; a very good place to start.” So, as we approach adoption, motherhood, and music over the next few weeks, that’s exactly where we will start.
I have experienced many facets of motherhood over the last two decades, and each facet has a beginning. The beginnings of having a baby are very different from the beginnings of adopting a child. Both are critically important. My heartbeat is to come alongside mamas, sharing things God has allowed me to see, learn, and experience. Today, mom who is considering adoption or in the beginning phases, my eye is on you. Let me encourage you!
Adoption can be a whirlwind journey (see this week’s earlier post, Called To China)…and it can be an agonized-over decision. It can be joy-filled or intimidating. Honestly, it will be both. It can be intentional or caused by circumstances you wouldn’t choose. You can adopt a baby, a toddler, or a teen. You can be young and starry-eyed, or old enough to be the child’s grandparent. The possibilities are endless!
This is your unique journey. While it will have similarities to “every other adoption,” it will also be very different because it’s yours. It may sound silly, but give yourself permission to own it, whatever it looks like, and to grieve what you may have expected.
Here are some “beginning of the process” tidbits I like to share with parents on the journey…
- Pray! Cover every piece of the process in prayer. Which country will you choose? What gender do you prefer? With which special needs are you comfortable? Which agency will you use? Who will your caseworker be? How long will it take? Which child is yours? What will you name him/her? How will you and your child bond and attach? While you can choose some of these things, others will fall as they may, but you can lift every single one to God and ask Him to orchestrate the process.
- Research! If you have a desire to learn, especially in this digital age, the information will be yours! Ask questions of adoptive parents. Join Facebook groups for specific special needs, your agency, or the country you choose. Prepare yourself with resources and professionals for any special needs once you know your child’s needs. There are countless options!
- Network! This is similar to #2, but more personal. You will need support for this journey! Join online and in-person support groups, and use them. Identify friends already in your circle who are adoptive parents, and get to know them better.
- Feel! I challenge you to allow yourself to feel the feels, no matter what they are, and to allow yourself to deal with them. It may seem silly, but it’s important! Get counseling if you need to, so you can be the healthiest you possible for bringing your child home. I was shocked by how many emotions I felt during a single day in our adoption process! Some days are a roller coaster, so buckle up. Adoption can be emotional, but remember you are pursuing your child, and THAT is worth it all!
- Read! Take notes, and remember where you put them! Often, you are reading months in advance, so it’s difficult to retain what you read. I remember wishing I had known about something, only to find it months later in my adoption notebook. I had read it, but because I wasn’t living that scenario at that time, I didn’t internalize it. One specific reading I would suggest is to read about Post Adoption Depression. It is real, and it broadsided me! One article I read stated that out of 125 parents who experienced this, only 8 knew about it before they experienced it! I was not one of the 8, and knowledge is power! With knowledge, you can be proactive to quickly recognize and tackle what comes.
- Document! Get a box and have labeled binders so all your adoption paperwork is organized and together. As papers accumulate, this gets tricky! Keep track of dates for each step of the process such as authentication of documents, approvals of next steps, etc. I had a running list. I had separate binders for homestudy documents, international paperwork, grant applications, fundraising, etc. Keep copies of everything you turn in to your agency, especially if you are mailing documents. If there are extra-important email communications with your agency, etc., it’s also a good idea to print and file those. Sometimes, these extra steps seem cumbersome, but if something gets lost or miscommunication occurs, having a copy can be your saving grace. It’s also fun to look back and remember things you swore you wouldn’t forget!
- Proofread! Pay careful attention to every document in the process. Make sure to check birthdates, marriage dates, notary dates, format of notary signatures, addresses, etc. on documents. We had to resubmit our homestudy and have our police clearance letter redone several times for errors. The lady at the sheriff’s office knew my voice on the phone before their part was completed! It seems like extra work, but it can sometimes prevent significant delays. Be proactive.
- Relax and remember! Enjoy the process. Think of the adoption process as a pregnancy instead of a process and savor its moments! Take pictures of fundraisers if you have them. Keep extra special cards and letters when people donate to your adoption. Journal the steps, joys, struggles, and moments as they occur. Don’t wait. You’ll forget! Document big steps in creative ways. I made and posted word art at each significant milestone in the process and saved them for our daughter’s Life Book. I started her Life Book before she came home. It made me feel like I was being her mom and helped me pass the time. Make Facebook posts or other social media posts that will pop up years later for you to smile and remember. You will be glad you did!