This week’s focus is adoption, a topic near and dear to me. God began to use adoption as a spoon to stir my heart, over 20 years ago! I pondered it as a young single, and my husband and I entertained the idea very early in our relationship. After several years, and three biological daughters, I noticed that most of our friends were adopting! This should have been a sign, but I passed it off as mere coincidence…until we saw a picture of a little girl in a hosting program in 2015. The rest is history!
Having now been home with our daughter for over 4 years, God has taught us SO many lessons! I can look back on many steps of the journey and clearly see God’s hand guiding us. Sometimes, I even see glimpses of His purposes as I look back. In other cases, I still wonder, but life is a giant series of lessons, and God is teaching us one lesson at a time.
Now, the beat of my heart is encouraging moms in their mothering. Because adoption touched our family, I can now speak to these special mamas, too. If you are an adoptive mama, or considering it, let me encourage you. Adoption can be deep water, but it’s a sacred space. Here are 10 lessons I’ve learned:
- “It’s a spiritual journey.” On the day we declared intent to adopt our daughter, a wise pastor spoke words to me that are forever etched on my heart: “Adoption is every bit as much a spiritual journey as it has anything to do with adoption. Truer words were never spoken! Adoption gives us insight into God’s heart, highlights our need for Him, and draws us to Him like no other experience.
- Sometimes, it’s just plain hard! I often refer to adoptive parenting as “parenting on steroids.” In many ways it’s just more than traditional parenting. The process of adoption can have unexpected pitfalls and delays. Many families also face unexpected situations, behaviors, or diagnoses upon coming home with their child. The hard parts of any journey are opportunities for growth. Anything worth doing is still worth doing even when it’s hard!
- It’s holy ground! If God called you to adopt, He has special plans for your family. He will use adoption to change and transform you and your family, from here to eternity.
- It’s a window into yourself. If I’m honest, this has been one of the hardest parts! Parenting kiddos from hard places often brings our own triggers, flaws, and shortcomings to the surface. Although it isn’t fun, God does use it to refine us and draw us closer to Himself.
- It is rewarding. After nearly five years of this journey, we can look back and see leaps of progress on many levels. Attachment grows. Confidence is built in tiny steps, and skills and abilities grow day by day. The things that seemed impossible even a year ago are the triumphs of today. We have a front row seat as God helps us grow our children into who He designed them to be.
- It teaches us new skills. I learned many tech skills during our adoption process. I avidly avoid confrontation but I have learned to be a relentless advocate for my daughter. I’ve uncovered resources, services, and programs by networking and asking questions. I’ve even gotten to lead others to these resources.
- I am not an island, and I cannot walk this journey without people! Ask questions! Find a tribe of supporters (online or in person) and lean on them. Some of the best balm for my weary soul has come from online friends whose faces I don’t know but whose hearts I know well.
- You need a posse! In addition to moral support, you need people with hands and feet! Gather them before your child comes home if possible, and be willing to call on them for reinforcements. This is critical in the unpredictable early days home for mental health purposes and for running errands for you if you can’t get out with your child. It’s also critical for the long haul, when some days seem unbearably long! If you have friends who offer to help…LET THEM!
- Ask for help! I know this is hard! It’s been a learning process for me. I love helping others, but I’d sooner donate a kidney than to ASK for help! If this is you, my advice is: Get over it! You would want your friends to ask you if they needed something, and they want you to do the same. If you need a listening ear, a play date, a shower, or a meal for your family on those “way too long” sorts of days, ask! People truly do want to help, but they can’t help unless they know you need it.
- Self-care is not a luxury! It is mandatory! If these tips were in order of importance, this would be #1! If you were flying and the oxygen mask came down, you would be instructed to put on your mask before your child’s. This is the perfect picture of self-care! Be creative. This can look like coffee with a friend, petting your favorite pet, running to the store for milk (that you may or may not need), or a dozen other things. Learning to lock the door every time I changed clothes was one of my biggest self-care wins. Sometimes you need a break from touching and neediness…and that’s ok! Take care of you so you can take care of them. It’s a Nike thing, mom…JUST DO IT!
Adoption is a journey. Sometimes, it’s one step forward and two steps back. Just take one step at a time. It’s a lifelong journey. A common phrase in the adoption world is “we could’ve missed this.” Though the journey sometimes has twists and turns and loopty-loops, it’s a God-ordained (and therefore blessed) path.
If you’re exploring the idea of adoption, drop a note in the comments so I can pray for your family. If your child is newly home, I’d love to encourage you further so say hello. And if you’re further along in the adoption journey, I’d love to hear your story. Adoption is community. Let’s do this together.